4 months. Yesterday it was 4 months that my amazing husband walked into Jesus’ arms.
The day he died I thought I would never breathe again. I thought my heart would ever never feel again. But I know that my AMAZING, WONDERFUL and HOLY God is holding my husband. Steve is in heaven waiting on me. That gives me purpose and a hope.
September 14, 2019 wasn’t goodbye, it was see you later.
Steve is Home...but I’m still here.
My heart misses him more than anyone could ever imagine. Steve Jacobs was my best friend, my husband, my spiritual leader, my lover, the father of my children...my soul mate. I will never hear him tell me I love you again. I will never hear his voice or his laugh. I will never feel his arms holding me or his kiss. He is gone.
I am walking this road of being a single parent to 3 teenagers whose world has been shattered. How do I even do this??? We are hurting. We are walking an unimaginable pain...but we are definitely not walking it alone. Community is how I’ve done it and this is how I will continue my journey.
Through these past four months, God has brought into my life amazing friends.
The days when I couldn’t hold my head up, they held it for me.
When I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other, they helped me walk.
When I couldn’t see through my grief to figure out how to help my children, they showed me.
When my children needed someone besides their grieving mom, they were there without hesitation.
When I felt like I was drowning they helped me breathe.
When I never thought I would feel, they helped my heart beat again.
Jesus. Jesus is holding my husband right now, but through my friends and family, He is holding me too.
I am so thankful for every one of you. The prayers, the messages, the devotions, the coffee talks, the hugs, the trips, the meals, the laughs, the encouragement. You all have helped us in so many ways and sometimes you didn’t even realize you were being Jesus to us.
My heart is healing. I’m starting to feel normal again. My heart is starting to feel again.
Two weeks before he died, on a morning walk, I was given the gift of the “what if” conversation with Steve. Not a flippant conversation, but a deep, heartfelt conversation.
People, that was SUCH a gift.
I KNOW that he doesn’t want me to sit and wallow in my sorrow. I KNOW that he wants me to move through. I KNOW that he wants me to be happy.
I will make it and I will be okay.
Day by day and Jesus.
